Notes On Love

If love is an art, does that mean it requires effort? 

         I posit that it does, but others may think of it as strictly pleasant, rather than an exercise that requires work. This isn’t to suggest these people don’t think love is deeply important. I assume most people think about love all the time; they strive for it, yearn for it, are yearning for it. People are constantly consuming books and movies about love. Yet they don’t consider that there are things to be learned about it.

               The premise that this assumption is based upon can be used to uphold it. Most view the issue of love as being loved, rather than loving. Therefore, the problem becomes how does one make oneself more lovable, not how does one love better. Forms of “bettering oneself” (in this context, making oneself more worthy of love) include gaining wealth or power, becoming more attractive, developing a personality—being inoffensive, agreeable, helpful. These traits are also often used to make oneself successful: think of the 1936 book by Dale Carnegie “How to Win Friends and Influence People” .

     The second premise that this assumption is based on is that the matter of love is one of the object. People consider love itself to be simple; the difficulty with it is finding the right object to love—or, the right object to be loved by. The idea here is that once the correct person is chosen, love will come naturally. This premise asserts that love does not require work and struggle, rather that it is something innate within each of us that just needs the right outlet to instigate it.

The third premise relates to the idea of “falling” in love, and consequently the (hopefully) permanent state of “being” in love. The language of “falling” implies suddenness. Based on this, love is something that happens to oneself, and it is fast. It is not something that builds up over time, but rather, happens in an instance, or a few instances. Attraction like this is often not long-lasting, thus disproving the second part of this premise, the being in love. Definitely, this is not love, but rather lust, or more innocently, a crush.

        Though there is overwhelming evidence to prove that love is not easy, the idea that it is has prevailed. No pursuit begins with so many expectations as that of love. And no pursuit fails so regularly as that of love. Statistically, this can be seen in divorce rates, which show 40-50% of marriages end. If any other activity were to do so, it would be investigated, people would be eager to know the reasons for their failure, to learn how one can do better. That isn’t to say no one has investigated love, it is to say that it has not been studied, as an art should be. Since the assumption is that there is nothing to be learned about love, self-reflection is, in part, out of the question.

         We must recognize that love is an art, just as music, painting, or philosophy.

       How does one go about learning an art? Firstly, the mastery of the theory of said art, in this case, love. Secondly, the mastery of the practice. 

        The theory of love is one that is nearly impossible to explain. Firstly, it is a theory of human existence, as all theories that can apply only to man are. By this I mean, humans are the only creatures with the capacity to love to the degree at which we do. This isn’t to say your dog doesn’t love you, it is more to say that your dog does not love you as much as you love it. Secondly, it is a theory of unity. This premise provides the basis for several other theories surrounding love, such as the theory of domination as a false love, the theory of love under capitalism, and the theory of affection as a false love.

       Having vaguely dealt with the theoretical aspects of love, I turn now to love in practice. I’m afraid that, if you have decided to approach this piece as a guide, you will be sorely disappointed. How does one master a practice in a way other than, well, practicing? In order to practice love, one must also practice care, respect, and patience, as well as faith. Here, of course, I do not mean faith in the religious sense, but rather in the sense of believing without proof. One must believe in the possibility of love even before they receive or give it.